ive not blogged for a while as ive been too ill to attempt it and by the time i get to my blog im too tiered and have forgotten what i was going to say! im better at facebook ;)

so since my last blog life has changed looooads! this time next week il be in respite care for two weeks at a private christian hospital. which i couldnt have gone too without the massive support in dosh from so many lovely people.

i am very scared as it means being super vulnerable with new people. and by vulnerable i mean baring all...literally!! im so weak now that toileting help involves help to clear up, which is a pretty emotional thing when you are only 26.

i do feel stripped bare in my heart and spirit, like layers are crumblnig away from me, its made me realise how much of a breeze i feel, so small and thin and unnoticeable except by those who are desperate enough or tuned in enough to feel the breeze on their skin.

maybe thats the way God made me. to be gentle and hidden rather than out there being loud and showy!

i do prefer being a breeze than a foghorn, never thought id say that! though i cant really merge into a crowd in a wheelchair, ive forgotten what it feels like to merge into a crowd, content enough in who i am to look around me, wondering about these peoples lives, thoughts interests etc. i used to love making stories for these strangers and praying for their days. especially the ones who have sadness in their faces, i want to hug those people and take them to a coffee shop.

why do we have so few tea shops now? its all coffee coffee coffee and lets face it, try as we might, England IS a tea land!!

i love tea

i allso love this mug http://www.naturalcollection.com/shop/reusable-tea-lovers-cup-by-dci/

i dont know how to make it a picture. if i went out i would buy this to walk all cosyfied to work....maybe one day :)

id like to go out walking. its been years now :( i loved autumn and winter. stepping outside into the cold cold night, leaves blowing about and the cold air flushing your cheeks as you try to hide them in that ginormous scarf that you want to live in! walking as the streets are so quiet, hearing your own footsteps, a sound i havnt heard for years....my own footsteps.....................

:(

hope.........................................................strange word, strange feeling. sometimes i dont know how to feel about this word. sometimes it feels spiteful, sometimes comforting, sometimes ridiculous, sometimes infuriating, and sometimes empty.

cold and empty

but the cold and empty do have one thing going for them.

they make me want to be full and warm. and that is where hope becomes alive, by jesus. not me. not the people around me, only jesus can make a word alive. and when its alive it is so in a season and my season i hope is now.

i want a pet leaf

what to do what to do what to do

im so so confused right now. it feels like everyone i know wants different things or thinks diffeent directions would be best than what i am feeling.

the thing is is that i dont trust myself enough to jump where i think i should go. and i know my decisions effect the people around me massively.

being ill makes these decisions so much harder because i know i have to factor in my care needs which at the moment are huge. but i dont know how or what to do and whether what i feel is right and if it is how to move forward.

im so afraid and most of all im afraid to trust my instincts

im afraid to let people down or to hurt anyone in my prcesses.

i want to walk where i should walk and be still where i should be still then jump when its time to jump

moving on

so its that time of my life again where something new is in the waters and i dont know what but i strangely do? if that makes sense!!

life is changing and it started with a song i wrote about moving on. i wrote it as my way of saying i wont stay stuck anymore. id felt trapped in a sticky web, a mess really, of confusion, doubts, bitterness and fear. lots of fear. but i wanted to move on and didnt know how to do something physical to say 'enough is enough, its time for change'. i think it was my way of saying yes to my heart's healing. and yes to whatever was to come.

and its here....change......new directions.....new horizons.

goodbye to the old dreams and hopes that were never fulfilled.

and time for the current dreams and hopes to be reshaped into something new....and something far more beautiful than i can anticipate.

its weird how change starts. like a little nut or seed so tiny inside that you could almost mistake it for fear or nothing at all. but as you look closer it starts to form a little bud or shoot each time you glance at it.

each time you indulge in what it could be saying, it grows a little more until you are here, where i am, wondering how it will look when it finally bursts into bloom.

change is coming and i am moving into it.

im scared, so very scared that i wont be happy, that life will make me someone i dont want to be. that i will have to give up the things i love, that love will make me unhappy. that i'll be lonely,lost, forgotten, abandoned. that my needs wont get met, that noone will listen to me, that i will be forced into avenues that make me more ill, that i wont be believed.

but i know i will be loved and seen by my God.

and that il have my fish.

change is looming closer each day and im ready to accept its offer to climb aboard.

And though it may bring the unexpected. the difficult. the awful. the ugly. the unwanted. each day will have beauties, little pockets of hope and love. and most of all the most healing medicine of laughter :)

so heres to the next step of adventure!!

join me?

:)

here is the link to the song.....

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jo-loebig-music/132525816805575

SCARED!!!!!!!

so this time tomorrow i will have had my oh so scary ESA medical assessment to see if i am able to work.

now those of you who know me know how UNWELL i am. i cant even use a loo and have to wee in incontinence pads. i have to be helped every time i need to wee or pooh, as i am now a bedpan user. even my commode is getting less used.

i often cant clean myself up after as i am so weak and exhausted from the exertion of using a bedpan, well actually from weeing/poohing.

i collapse after doing number twos

i cant sit up for more than 30 seconds before dizziness so extreme kicks in and i begin to faint/collapse and on occasions pass out.

every day at some point i become so fatigued and ill from the exhaustion that i begin the vomit procedure. which involves my temperature rocketing become shaky and unable to cope with light noise or movement as all these make the vomiting more likely to happen. i have to lie still in a dark quiet room infront of a fan. the fan itself sometimes cant be used as the noise makes the symptoms worse.

the above doesn't even start to cover my daily troublees but yet i am still s cared as the benefits system here in the uk adopts a 'scare 'em silly' policy and is VERY corrupt when it comes to their 'assessment' system.

the 'doctors' are more often not medically trained. they have very little understanding of individual illnesses. things like dizziness and faintness dont register on the computer programmes they use. ARGH

and to top it all they lie. out rightly Lie. manipulate and are deceitful in their actions. which i have experienced first hand when a DWP doctor got me to sign a paper that shouldnt have been signed untill the end. it was to say i greed with all he had written during the assessment which hadnt even happened yet. the doctor then went on to talk about India. did very little actually medical tests.

BUT on the bright side this last few weeks has brought some interesting visitors to me bed.....and i literally mean my bed!!

mr frog brought In by my cat as her last bout of energy before she died :( the frog scared me as it suddenly jumped to escape!!

yes that is a live chicken!!

my friends fuzzy dog!

now this wasnt in my bed but it counts as it was an evil huge i mean HUGE fuzzy spider. luckily(for me not him!!) it died in a vat of wee....bedpans are excellent spider catchers!!

and yes this is a slug....HORRIBLE!!!!!

byebyeebyebeye :)

provision and trust

ive had the weirdest few weeks, so full of amaazing things, troubles, heartache, sickness and a large dose of WAAA?!?!?!?!

i have an adorable kitten currently killing fluff or a spider. she got spayed for free thanks to a cat charity. next to me is a powered wheelchair that again i have for free as yet another amazing charity paid for it. its worth over £1000. under my pillow(and not for long!!)

is an envelope containing £200 for me and my mum so we can go for respite care at an amazing private hospital. i had a phone call from another person giving us £240 towards it. others have got together over £800. i got given free clothes that are more beautiful than i would have picked. last week i got a free fish tank with pump gravel etc. my carer went to buy me a fish and her little girl gave some of her pocket money so i could have two. they also brought me the food to feed them.....and honestly this isnt even the tip of the ice burg!! and yet something in me still doubts the awesome love and power of Gods provision. its like i doubt its all real. or that suddenly a wind will come and sweep it away and i will be lost in the dust again.

last week i bid on a papasan chair on ebay. i dont normally win things on ebay..normally it gets outbidded, usually i stick to buy it now!! but this chair struck me as right for me(though on a side note check measurements first!!!) and i got it! yippeeee. but it doesnt end there! i asked my bro in law if he could collect it for me, but that fell through a couple of times. i was despairing about how to get it as im bedbound and crippleyituseee. so wondering what on earth to do i ring the lady and say she can resell it..she is happy to hold on to it untill i find someone to collect it. its in essex im in watford....BIG GAP!!
next few days no luck untill she sends an email. it turns out my next door neighbour has brought a sofa from her and is collecting it then next day!! neighbours are asked if they can get my chair too and they do...so odd!!

chair is comfy

chair is HUGE!!

so why oh why oh why is trusting God so hard!! we've had food left on our doorstep when we are hungry, pegs when all mums were broken. ive been lent a phone with silly amounts of credit just as i cant afford to top mine up this month. life is baffling so baffling.

i think i need to come back and read this again and again and again and again until it sinks in that GOD IS BIG ENOUGH TO LOOK AFTER ME!!

worry indeed is a disease....oh how i wish to be free from it!

oh the plus side my fish have a tardis. im waiting for them to go in as fish and to come out as hippos...small hippos of course